This is another thing that is always a difficult topic for me to discuss. As a domestic violence survivor, it is also the hardest thing for me to have. It is not just the wrong people I pick in my life, those who keep me out of sentimental value or they feel sorry for me. It is myself.
I will not go into what happened and who did what. There were more people at fault than many believed. But the biggest one is myself. Yes, it is my fault too! And why?
If I cannot trust anyone, I will push everyone away.
When I was younger, I was squished into a small ball. Expressing my feelings was taboo. I was neglected. It was difficult to get close to anyone, and it still is. I prefer to take on the mom role and pretend everything is going all right (me counting my blessings sort of thing). I am embarrassed when people do things for me. I am up to where people can say, "Happy Birthday" to me and my husband and son can give me gifts and I am ok with it.
But it made me realize my value. The people around me DO reflect who I am. And in reflection, I did get a little selfish. I mean, what does it tell you when your own family cannot even call when you are the only one trying? Your friends on Facebook do not even want to be bothered with your career change? There are always excuses when you drop everything yourself?
This past year, I had a mental breakdown. I have been diagnosed with chronic illnesses. The trauma I inflicted upon myself came to an ugly head (and I am still experiencing more). I also stopped reaching out to many people and blocked even more. After checking in on everyone almost everyday, I found I was the only one screaming and I could be a creep about it. Boundaries also keep me from telling most what is going on. I learned my lesson with someone I knew.
I found that it was one thing to be busy with your life. Everybody has that issue. We work, play and get sucked into our own drama. Even I do! But I found that I juggled so much, and everyone knew it, but not one hand came out. And I am not talking about taking my kid when I have work and school at the same time (which I did have at one point). Not one word from anyone other than "I admire your strength" from two people and that was from this past year.
I mean, I know this is a compliment. But I do not want to be a model for overworking and have it labeled as strength. It is NOT! It made me sick and still is.
Support makes the difference success and failure. When we do not cheer each other on, help the underdog, we are as guilty as those we point the finger at. Community is important. Family (whoever that is to you) is important. We must remember that they will come for us too. Silence will not help in the end.