#BehindTheScenes 59 - Car Rides

Ahh, the car ride.

Those were the best and the worst memories I had with my father.

While this #BehindTheScenes is more of a memory, it does affect me as an author. These road trips with my father inspired a lot within me. It was not only the quiet moments filled with music, although that was the coolest part dealing with him. It was the long road ahead and the stories along the way.

Growing up, I never took an airplane trip. My family took a LOT of car trips, though. We visited all the New England states many times, mostly Massachusetts and Rhode Island. We all had to drive across the state for family and friend events/parties, car parts and much, much more. This became more prevalent when we moved to Winsted. We had to drive EVERYWHERE.

A lot of weekends, my father drove places - tag sales, to friends, to get parts or just because. A lot of times, I asked him if I could come. I always helped him, of course. He was disabled. I hid behind him, though. I was super shy.

But the long road held empty space and time. We filled it with music, mainly the Grateful Dead. We also had Traffic, older Fleetwood Mac and the Beatles. We sang along. Sometimes, he would talk to me.

My father was not a narcissist. He was an enabler and a bit of a dark empath. And he was filled with tales about his life. My grandparents were different people back then. He also had an uncle who was in Korea and Vietnam. A tough time at home and school. His life threatened.

But there were also the funny ones. My father used humor to cover his trauma. Life lessons learned from horrible things happening to him. Some of them are outright hilarious. Why you should wear underwear while you smoke in city traffic. Why you shouldn't have soda bread and German beer at the same time. Why you should never have your mouth open when you have your baby in the air, and they just ate. Things like that.

Sometimes, he had life advice and he was serious. This especially happened when something was up. When I was younger, I generally listened. He was my Daddy and he wasn't supposed to lead me to harm, right?

Addiction is a funny thing, though. It shows the child a side to their parent, and you never knew which one it was. For my father and his pain, talking was a way to gather me to his misery. Those were the piece of him he never showed at home, not even in front of my mother. It was just the two of us and the road. Him and his experience and me and my eager ears. Him and his jokes and me and my laughter.

As I grew older, I stopped listening to him. He was manipulating me and he was always trying to break me and my husband up. He was the tool of another and they all wanted control. It made the memories of our car trips something I did not want to remember.

Until now.

As an author, a mother and a wife, it was different. It was not only the generational stories passed from father to daughter. It was the magic of knowing what kind of relationship I wanted with my husband and son. It was seeing the flaws in a man who I used to prioritize above all things, even over my own health.

These feelings translated itself to paper. Many of my characters suffered similar fates I faced. What it felt like to suffer under a parent's disability and addictions. How it was like to be manipulated, trapped in a vehicle without a way out except to jump (and yes, I was tempted a few times). Sometimes, though, I explored those what-ifs. I imagined how it could have been different in the end, if I said something or the other person did something.

The experiences paled in comparison to what I wished I had: a functional family. As an adult, that longing never dissipates (trust me) and you make your own to create that euphoria. In Victoria Ronald, introduced in Revolution, I thought to show that friction between her and her father, John. The father who tried hard to be a good parent, yet failed in more ways than he counted because of his demons.

And when you can resolve complicated feelings by writing it, it is the most liberating in the world.

Those road trips made it all the more worthwhile and precious.

Namaste, everyone. Have a great day!

#Memories #Storymaker #RoadTripping #FatherAndDaughter #ImGonnaWatchYouShine #GonnaWatchYouGrow #AsAChild #DysfunctionalFamily