#BehindTheScenes 73 - In the Trenches
Being in the trenches is supposed to be safe. It's busy and everyone has their place. Yet, you are the one who is stumbling in the dark, unsure of where to go and unsure if your voice is going to matter amongst all the others. Everybody is doing the same things you are...and getting different results. While they are getting the sales and support, you sit in those same trenches, wondering what you did wrong.
That was my writing career in March 2020. I had done so much work and research between October 2019 until that point. I had created social media accounts, set up my Goodreads profile and even began building a website. But none of that was working.
My mind wondered a little. I wondered what else I could do for myself. But every aisle I walked down, I saw nothing but high costs and no financial means. In March 2020, I was still the only person in the housework working. All our bills and debts depended on my call center job.
This edition of #BehindTheScenes delves in my early years writing for a published product and my scant fan fiction arrangements. It also talks about my mistakes and the dark side of the self-publishing world. If you need to catch up, you can check out parts one, two, three and four before coming back here.
But back to the show...
There was the issue of COVID-19 in March 2020. It came to Connecticut quickly. It had taken less than a month before the whole country was affected, which scared me. Once Danbury announced the first infections, there was talk at work about remote work. Less than a week later, I was home, arguing over the phone with my manager about security, setup and customers. Because I could not snake a modem cord to my basement (where the most secured room - my office - was), I was allowed to work without a cord.
If you don't know call center life, I'll briefly describe it. There is always a time card you need to log into. It's on the phone and on your computer or a separate time card station. You have to log into both on your shift everyday. Every action is recorded and all calls are recorded. You cannot lie without some serious technological hacking.
Not being able to access that allowed me a new kind of freedom. I did not feel the expectations of angry customers. However, with the laws changing and higher exceptions being made, there were fewer people doing those jobs. I volunteered myself, learning new programs, banking laws and more. I was excited, for once happy at my job.
In the meantime, my writing took another turn.
The initial six months of COVID were filled with annoyance and fear. It's not just the stupidity on the social and political scale. It was also the time I had. I was up at 3 AM almost every morning. I went downstairs, turned on my work PC, and checked to see what I could do. As we figured out how to snake the modem cord down to the basement, I was running through customer chats and emails, PPP loans and reviewing calls on a new program the bank had. I worked on until the midafternoon and sometimes into the evening. That's ten plus hours of work everyday.
But through all that, I had time to write.
In 2020, I was beginning the work on a new novel, Casting Shadows. By the time my work had changed, there was more time to focus on what I wanted to do as Sara Ellie MacKenzie. The literary world, especially self-publishing, was a new field, and there seemed to be different ways to do things. While I researched more and tried to find more authors like me, I chipped away at this new book.
It was much different than A World So Bright and Dark. Sure, it was a different genre altogether. I went from a coming-of-age story to fantasy. But it brought me something I did not expect - reality coming to life in fiction. I had taken a story I had written in a call center years before and broadened the characters, the world and pulled knowledge to make it real.
In May 2020, I took a break from Casting Shadows and returned briefly to fan fiction, needing some fun. However, I was soon realizing something new about my writing. Even though it was easy for me to keep track of my fan fiction in my head, it was harder for this new book. Plus, it was getting too long and complicated. I had to keep looking back through the pages, remembering who the characters were, where and when they featured and what the future laid for them.
Initially, it was sticky notes. I would put down a king's council members, maybe a date or two. Then, it slowly dawned on me. This story was developing at a faster rate than ever, and I was heading into a sequel. I required more than small pieces of paper. I needed notebooks.
My life began to change weeks later. First, there was the sudden death of my father. It was expected. He had late stage lung cancer and had survived four more years than we expected. A few months later, one of my last grandparents passed on, also from cancer. I was introduced to her after years of estrangement and appreciated the good moments with her.
My world without these important people started to change. There were less faces. Nobody called or visited. The relationships with certain members faded and disappeared entirely, like these two deceased relations kept us all together.
Not to mention, I was changing. By the end of 2020, I felt tired, but not the same way I had been before. I was sleeping, but it was not enough, and I struggled to just be me...or the version I thought was me. I was working, but I was paranoid about mistakes and sometimes made the silliest ones. Things once easy for me to do - talking on the phone, writing a simple email or washing the dishes - were now too hard to do, and I cried more about it. I kept pushing and pushing, chiding myself the whole time, and I was not getting anywhere. I did not realize it yet, but I was stuck in the mud, wheels turning, and I was going nowhere...fast.
All the while, I kept working ceaselessly at the bank call center, thinking this was the way to go. I had been taught to always be smart and independent. That meant having a job and taking care of myself. But I wasn't doing much. Sure, I did a lot more work and returned to the phone system and customer calls, but I wanted more than that for myself. There wasn't too many places I could go as a customer service rep, and every chance to internally move always failed.
There was a thought in the back of my mind. It was the one every author had: using this commission only position as an actual career. I already knew that it was possible. Many authors I met online proved it to me. But I was missing something, and I did not know what it was.
In 2021, though, my life turned in another direction again. Every belief I grew up with was challenged. And it all began with the publication of Casting Shadows.
After it was released on Amazon, I was already onto the next project, The Circle is Broken. I left a pretty cliffhanger at the end of Casting Shadows, and I hoped to push the sequel out within the year. I hated it when I read a book and had to wait for the next one (here's looking at you, George R.R. Martin!). I hoped the year difference between the volumes would be acceptable to readers.
The pandemic was rampant. I was still working from home. My work desk and my office desk were literally next to each other, so I would wheel from one to the other, depending on what was happening. Every customer call, assignment and meeting, I was 100% on what was going on. If there was nothing happening, my mind went to my book, headphones on and ready for the next customer call.
By the summer, though, that feeling from the year before intensified. With more family members passing, the overtime at work and the endless angry customers, I was running myself ragged. By August, I opted for FML. I didn't like it. I was not working and my body did not want to cooperate. I was sleeping a lot and stopped calling and texting almost everyone.
What was the strangest was that my life skills reverted. Like, I almost could not communicate properly, clean myself or do any chores around the house. I was a cross between angry and depressed. Not only had it begun arguments with my husband, but it brought to light something I had never considered: neurodivergency.
I denied it, burying myself with my work in progress.
The Circle is Broken was easy to write, I reasoned to myself. After the climatic climb and downhill action in Casting Shadows, the sequel proved to be addictive to write. I did not want to put it down, determined to cast the winner. I also wanted to plant a new seed, given to me in a dream as Casting Shadows was finished earlier that year. The series was continuing through new characters. A small idea formed in call center boredom bloomed into a full fantasy book series and I wanted to share it with the new connections I made.
Did I mention The Circle is Broken was finished by the end of 2021?
Another book published amazed me. Here I was, isolated at home with a sickness, and I finished another manuscript. After some debate, I decided to forgo the release dates and put the stories out as they finish. Thus, The Circle is Broken was released ten months after its prequel.
Despite my mental health, I was on Cloud 9. New Years Day 2022, I was working hard on the next story, Through the Meadow. As I wrote a new character, I saw how the mold was breaking. This was no ordinary court story...and I was no ordinary indie author. The industry was a wide, open space, and I hoped to share my ideas with an eager audience.
I soon learned, though, that every rose had its thorn...even in the protection of the trenches.
In the next #BehindTheScenes I will talk about the next chapter of my writing career. I will start with the beginnings of the CT Authors Partnership, my mistakes in being a business of my own, discovering myself and how many authors actually are helpful. Next week, tune in for #TriviaTuesday and the connections in my books.
Namaste!
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