#BehindTheScenes 67 - Catholic School Fact & Fiction

Trigger warning, everyone. Mentions of abuse.

My first published book on Amazon, A World So Bright and Dark, is in a journal format. It was written by a fictional girl in middle and high school. She experiences abuse at home and school and is trying to find a balance between the good and the bad and be the best person she could be. It was based on material that I wrote when I was that age.

But how much of it was true? What did I make up, or move around chronically? Did I base the characters on real people?

This #BehindTheScenes is going to spill some tea.

I did go to Catholic school, from Kindergarten to eighth grade. I went to Sacred Heart School right here in New Britain, the last Catholic school to close in the city (as far as I know). It was not a very happy time and I spent the nine years in loneliness, searching for some place to belong, without realizing how and why.

I honestly think it was the Crappy Childhood Fairy who defined crap-fitting. Mind you, I am paraphrasing through an example. You are a square, wedging yourself into a hole shaped like a circle. And you are stuck there, trying to fit in and pretending that you are looking fabulous with the crowds. All the while, people are passing you by, using you and ignoring you.

That was Catholic school in a nutshell.

Why did we have to go, you ask?

Well, my maternal grandparents were immigrants and had sent my mother, uncle and aunts to the same local school and found a good education and values from the church. My parents wanted to do the same, believing that education was the ticket out of poverty and trauma. My siblings and I went to Sacred Heart, knowing that we were the second generation to attend...and we were just as rejected and picked on.

Concerning Friends and Who I Hung Out With

With my autism, especially between seventh and eighth grade, I had expectations. I was supposed to be hanging out with certain people (one of my cousins and other outcasts), be as honest and true to them as I could, and insert myself as the helper whenever I could. I was named bossy by my Pre-Algebra teacher because I constantly had my hands on my hips.

The character of Lizzie showed some signs of this. But she also had friends outside of her small circle and was excited when one of them returned to the school. She mentioned other classmates that make snide comments too. But there was nothing that prevented the character from making other friends, mentioning certain things that made her the outcast. The autism component is there, clueless to her plight, but abuse mostly shaped the character.

Concerning the Abuse

My father was disabled and in horrible pain and enduring the ridicule of his in-laws and my mother was following a cruel maternal tradition. He could not get a job and was medicated on several narcotics until I started college. That does not excuse him from his behavior. The emotional abuse were taken from actual instances throughout my life with my parents. Later, I learned more of how and why he was so volatile. He was physically abusive, especially when he was under the influence. I was sexually abused and assaulted in several instances in high school, but never by my brother and my father or any of his friends.

The fictional Lizzie has an air of fright around her. She tiptoes around home, and the standards for how she should behave always change between both her parents. She wants to do anything at home to make peace, but she is tired of the arguments between family members. This stance mirrors my own at that age. Every entry, I can almost see myself back at that house, going through the same motions. I can predict what would happen next too. This connection with a disabled parent is also apparent.

Transition to High School

For several reasons, my family did not stay in New Britain. We moved to a small town called Winsted in 2003, where I later met my husband. At the time, Gilbert School still had a good reputation as THE school to go to in the northeast corner. Later, we learned this was the opposite, due to corrupt local officials and the same families staying in town. I only stayed there for 3/4 of my high school life and it was hell, mostly from incidents stemming from individuals in my family.

The fictional Lizzie also went to a new town and a new school. She found the work easy and easily made new friends. But she too encountered problems there and much of her life circled back to her family. I put in the beginning of a new relationship and how her father put his fingers into it, and the initial happiness she had at making new friends, out of her usual social circles. Later, this was proven to be the opposite, and more problems arose.

There is much, much more, and I will leave that for another edition. For now, understand that A World So Bright and Dark is a labor of love, made from true events, and will hopefully be relatable to you.

Namaste! Have a great rest of your week!

#GrowingUp #CatholicSchool #UneasyTransition #FactAndFiction #TheMirror